Independence and Romantic Relationships: The Lesson of Shel Silverstein’s The Missing Piece
Unfortunately, a great many people do not enjoy fulfilling romances. Some stay in unsatisfying relationships despite the fact that they have long realized that their partner is anything but perfect. Others exchange their sexual partners as frequently as their underwear, maneuvering themselves from one unfulfilling relationship to the next.
It does not come as a surprise that irrational people who do not know their values fail to develop genuine romances. After all, building a fulfilling relationship requires that one know one’s own values and find them mirrored in one’s partner. As American philosopher Leonard Peikoff puts it, “The attainment of [love] requires a proper course of thought and action. It requires that a person define and validate the specific values of character (and their hierarchy) that he regards as important to him personally. It requires that he recognize these values when he encounters them, i.e., that he learn to identify objectively the traits possessed by others (and by himself).”1
What comes as a surprise, though, is to witness the number of rational people who clearly know their own values yet nevertheless fail to foster and maintain healthy romantic relationships. There is, without a doubt, more than one reason why even rational people all too often fail to have fulfilling romances. I think, however, that there is one central mistake which numerous people commit when it comes to romantic relationships, a mistake tragically illustrated yet perfectly captured in Shel Silverstein’s little-known children’s book The Missing Piece2.
The Missing Piece is a story about a circular, white form which is incomplete since it lacks a triangular piece. Painstakingly aware of its own unhappiness, the circle embarks on a journey to find a wedge which will complete it:
It was missing a piece.
And it was not happy.
So it set off in search
Of its missing piece.
Over the course of its journey, the circle continually reminds itself of its central mission. Feeling incomplete, it convinces itself that it can fill the nagging emptiness inside by finding its missing piece. And so the circle sings its theme song:
Oh I’m lookin’ for my missin’ piece
I’m lookin’ for my missin’ piece
Hi-dee-ho, here I go,
Lookin’ for my missin’ piece
The circle’s journey proves excruciating. It has to endure extreme instances of heat, rain, and snow. Nevertheless, the circle enjoys its journey, conversing with worms, smelling flowers, and playing with butterflies. Happily, it enjoys its adventurous journey:
And on it went,
over oceans
[…]
through swamps and jungles
up mountains
and down mountains[.]
Suddenly, the circle meets a wedge which is of exactly the shape it itself is missing. Therefore, the circle wants to fill its emptiness by putting the wedge inside itself. The wedge, however, refuses this potential union since it is complete itself. Emphasizing its independence, it explains:
I am not your missing piece.
I am nobody’s piece.
I am my own piece.
Experiencing an intense feeling of sadness, the circle continues its journey and meets other wedges which it wants to incorporate into itself. Yet all these potential unions fail since none of the wedges fits the circle—some are too small, others too big, some too sharp, others too square.
Then, the circle unexpectedly encounters two wedges which, like the independent form it previously met, are exactly of the shape it itself is missing. Unlike the independent form, though, these two wedges actually do want to incorporate themselves into the circle. Yet, once again, both unions fail. The first time, the circle is not protective enough of its wedge and loses it. The second time, the circle is too protective of its wedge and breaks it. Yet determined by its central mission of finding its missing piece, the circle continues its exciting journey:
So on and on it rolled,
having adventures
falling into holes
and bumping into stone walls.
Eventually, the circle finds yet another wedge that is of exactly the shape it itself is missing. Having learned from its previous mistakes, the circle is concerned that the wedge might lose its independence if they get together. Yet the wedge is willing to take the risk, suggesting that the two forms have a chance to form a strong union:
“Are you anybody else’s missing piece?”
“Not that I know of.”
“Well, maybe you want to be your own piece?”
“I can be someone’s and still be my own.”
“Well, maybe you don’t want to be mine.”
“Maybe I do.”
“Maybe we won’t fit….”
“Well…”
Yet having finally completed itself and apparently feeling fulfilled, the circle becomes increasingly depressed. It stops enjoying its journey, no longer conversing with worms, smelling flowers, or playing with butterflies. And so the circle leaves the wedge behind and continues its journey alone, again singing its theme song:
Oh I’m lookin’ for my missin’ piece
I’m lookin’ for my missin’ piece
Hi-dee-ho, here I go,
Lookin’ for my missin’ piece
The story of the circle is a perfect illustration of a key reason why even rational people fail to foster healthy relationships. Often, rational people are intensely aware of their own values. Most of them, for instance, know which career they would like to pursue and which means are necessary to work their way up the career ladder.
Similarly, rational people typically know which moral qualities they possess. Most of them are aware which central virtues they uphold and embody. They know that their good character is, for example, revealed by their productiveness, justice, or integrity. Having identified their own values and virtues, in turn, they also know which qualities to look for in a potential partner.
Yet identifying one’s virtues and strengths is only one side of the coin. It is both fulfilling and motivating to reflect on which particular qualities make one a virtuous and moral person. What is equally important yet much more difficult and demanding, though, is to honestly identify one’s vices and errors. After all, most people are neither completely good nor completely bad. In addition, since humans are not omniscient, even the most rational person makes bad decisions from time to time, for instance due to a lack of adequate information.
What morality demands is that rational people introspect and identify not only their strengths but also their weaknesses. The circle in The Missing Piece, for instance, realizes that it feels empty inside because it feels incomplete. Yet instead of pondering the reasons why it feels frustrated and lonely, working on its own character, and finding values that would make its life fulfilling and worthwhile, the circle embarks on its journey to find an ideal piece that would make all of its unidentified issues disappear.
It is precisely such behavior that rational people who are aware of their virtues yet unaware of their vices display in real life. Instead of filling the void they experience themselves, they long for a partner who will do this job for them. There is, for instance, the woman who fears that she will become poor one day and longs for financial security. Yet instead of educating herself and finding a well-paid job, she marries a rich man, not understanding that the alleged short-cut to wealth is only a short-circuit destroying her ambition. Then there is the man who lacks respect for others because he was neglected and beaten up bis his father when he was just a child. Yet instead of going to therapy, coping with his trauma, and understanding the importance of empathy, he marries a submissive girl and controls and dominates her and their children to win their sympathy, not understanding that the alleged short-cut to respect is only a short-circuit destroying human relationships. Next there is the young girl who does not pursue her values because she lacks self-esteem. Yet instead of becoming a woman of self-esteem by perfecting her character, taking chances, and achieving values on an ever-increasing scale, she starts dating a man of achievement, not understanding that the alleged short-cut to self-esteem is only a short-circuit destroying her unborn self. Last but not least there is the college professor who longs for admiration although he consistently cheated throughout his career, hired a ghostwriter for his dissertation, and now mechanically repeats socialist slogans for reasons of social conformity. Yet instead of educating himself and producing serious scholarship to gain the respect of his colleagues, he starts dating his most ignorant student who naively looks up to him, not understanding that the alleged short-cut to approval is only a short-circuit destroying genuine admiration.3
On an even lower rung of hell, there are those people utterly devoid of any moral values or virtues. Feeling completely empty, these people do not only fail in certain aspects of their lives because of not adequately dealing with their loneliness. Rather, their emptiness gradually makes them experience what American philosopher Ayn Rand termed “hatred of the good for being the good.” “Hatred of the good for being the good,” Rand explains, “means hatred of that which one regards as good by one’s own (conscious or subconscious) judgment. It means hatred of a person for possessing a value or virtue one regards as desirable.”4
People who experience this emotion fail to establish any fulfilling relationships whatsoever. After all, their aim is not to search for, and associate themselves with, humans who uphold and embody values and virtues, but to destroy them. When they encounter a person who is more talented, intelligent, or good-looking than themselves, they do not look at the other as a motivational source. Rather than aiming to become more ambitious, knowledgeable, or attractive, they wish to destroy their superiors. American poet Charles Bukowski perfectly captures the mentality of these man-haters in his poem “The Genius of the Crowd,” writing:
Not Wanting Solitude
Not Understanding Solitude
They Will Attempt To Destroy
Anything
That Differs
From Their Own
Not Being Able
To Create Art
They Will Not
Understand Art
They Will Consider Their Failure
As Creators
Only As A Failure
Of The World
Not Being Able To Love Fully
They Will BELIEVE Your Love
Incomplete
AND THEN THEY WILL HATE
YOU
And Their Hatred Will Be Perfect5
The ultimate manifestation of this repulsive mindset is, of course, the power-hungry politician who is devoid of any moral quality whatsoever because he has never achieved anything in his own life. Yet instead of filling the vacuum he has himself created, he takes delight in degrading, controlling, and enslaving any ambitious, successful, and happy person, not understanding that the short-cut to power is only a short-circuit destroying life itself, not his own life but the life of anyone who has to deal with him since his own miserable existence can hardly be equated with the notion of a fulfilling life worth living in any respect.
It would be easy to come up with dozens of other real-life examples to illustrate the hypothesis that not adequately dealing with one’s flaws has serious repercussions. On the one hand, those who are for the most part good yet ignore some of their flaws will suffer for they subconsciously feel the frustration which proceeds from the implicit realization that they are incomplete. On the one hand, those who are completely evil and ignore all of their flaws will turn into monsters and make both their own lives and those of anyone who deals with them unbearable.
What both groups have in common is their vain desire to substitute the approval of others, of one’s partner or of any passerby, for the realization of genuine values. Yet pretending and making others believe that one is courageous, respectful, self-confident, and intelligent does not turn someone into a person who actually embodies these character qualities. Rather, faking a value bars one from pursuing and achieving it. After all, faking a value instead of pursuing and achieving it necessarily leads to the frustration of the value in question since one can never attain moral improvement by pretending rather than acting. Nor can a partner’s or a stranger’s ignorance about one’s shortcomings magically make a cowardly woman courageous, a brutal man respectful, an insecure girl self-confident, an uneducated professor intelligent.
Pursuing and achieving one’s happiness is an individualistic, self-generated, holistic enterprise. To become happy, an individual must identify not only one’s strengths but also one’s flaws. Unfortunately, the circle in The Missing Piece and a great many people fail in doing so. Identifying one’s shortcomings presupposes an independent mind which actively and scrupulously introspects. Yet this often painful act of recognizing one’s flaws and aiming to live the best life possible can only be performed by the self.
If people succeed in both pursuing their values and correcting their shortcomings, they would create meaning for their lives, thereby filling their internal voids. Having done so, they would be complete and no longer feel the vain need to look for a missing piece to complete themselves. Rather, they would now be in a position to form a fulfilling union with another independent form, such as the one in the story of The Missing Piece which rejects the incomplete circle. Yet rather than trying to incorporate the other into themselves, they would look for a partner who is complete him- or herself and they would appreciate them as a complete entity with their own independent values. Only in this way can one roll happily ever after with one’s partner, so to speak.
Leonard Peikoff, Objectivism: The Philosophy of Ayn Rand (New York: Meridian, [1991] 1993), 237. For more on this topic, cf. my lecture “Values and Virtues as Spiritual Currencies.”
Shel Silverstein, The Missing Piece (New York: Harper & Row, 1976), accessible at https://online.fliphtml5.com/zcjyw/ujzb/#p=1. Throughout this short, I will refrain from providing detailed footnotes for passages from The Missing Piece since the book does not contain page numbers.
The formulations in this paragraph and an upcoming one are inspired by Ayn Rand’s insight “that the alleged short-cut to knowledge, which is faith, is only a short-circuit destroying the mind.” Cf. Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged (London: Penguin, [1957] 2007), 1018.
Ayn Rand, “The Age of Envy,” Return of the Primitive: The Anti-Industrial Revolution, edited by Peter Schwartz (New York: Meridian, [1971] 1999), 131.
Charles Bukowski, “The Genius of the Crowd,” The Pleasures of the Damned (New York: Ecco, 2007), 149-150.
This is a wonderfully written piece that is a great guide to romantice relationships seen from the Objectivist view. Thank you for writing it by referencing it to the story of the Circle and Bukowski's poem.